Dealing with difficult family members during the holidays can be something you dread. It’s a right of passage for most people to go to holiday dinners and get into arguments about politics, religion, or something else ridiculous. Whether the boost in blood sugar gets people heated or the free-flowing spiced wine, the holidays just bring out the urge to argue. While you yourself almost certainly have strong opinions, if you’re reading this article, chances are you are usually the type not to want to have to express them.

 

I have a large family, and the holidays are one of the only times I get to see some of them. Spending time talking about women’s reproductive rights while we pass ham and potatoes around the table is not how I want to spend that time. I dodge those conversations immediately. But not everyone has the ability to avoid these conversational landmines (short of just avoiding the holidays until the new year). However, you CAN craft a strategy to get out with your mental health intact.

From de-escalating arguments to steering the conversation away from politics (or other hot-button issues), these are my best tips for how to deal with difficult family members during the holidays.

How to Deal with Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

Get in the proper mindset

As you prepare to go to a holiday gathering, mentally prepare yourself for what you typically expect. It helps to sit and talk out loud – to yourself or someone else – about what usually bothers you at these events. When you can prepare beforehand and get into a mindset of “this is what often happens and how it upsets me”, you’re doing 2 things:

1 – You’re putting yourself in a position to be ready if the situation occurs, allowing you to react more quickly. Just be sure to not go through entire fake scenarios in your head, i.e. don’t have arguments with your relatives to yourself, because this will put you in a bad mood. Just accept that these are the conversations and people that trigger you the most and that they may happen.

2 – In the event that one of these scenarios occurs, you can kind of smile to yourself and internally say “called it!” While this sounds silly, it diffuses your potential reaction, which might be to get defensive or frustrated. By allowing yourself that little psychological (or psychic!) win, you take the teeth out of the encounter. You can then smile at the offending party and excuse yourself or greet the encounter with a bit of mirth, both of which are preferable to a prolonged, frustrating argument.

Don’t drink

There’s little doubt that alcohol is a social lubricant, even if you’ve grown up around all the people at the party. A few too many beers or glasses of wine can turn even the most politically stoic person into a Maoist or flag-waving bugle boy, and if you’ve tossed a few back, you’ll be more inclined to argue with uncle Phil than to seek another path. You can’t control other people or stop them from getting drunk, but if they are drunk and confront you over nonsense, you at least have a very tangible excuse to walk away.

Calm yourself and/or meditate

This goes along with the “talking through potential negative scenarios” tip up above, but taking a few minutes to meditate and calm yourself can do wonders. There are plenty of studies that show how meditation can reduce blood pressure, calm our minds, and help us focus. Admittedly, these benefits come through when you practice meditation regularly, but even a quick 5-minute grounding can make a bumpy holiday party a little smoother, at least for your mind and heart. 

Likewise, if you’re at the party and things start to get ridiculous, excuse yourself, find a quiet spot and ground yourself again.

Have gratitude for the family members you actually miss

Frame the visit as an opportunity to see people you don’t normally get to see, especially older family members who don’t travel. By focusing on the importance of these fleeting visits, you’ll be more inclined to seek out and have gratitude for the people you miss. By initiating conversations with them, it will be less likely a negative person will intrude to talk about inflammatory topics or start complaining.

Practice saying “no”

Especially if you’re used to being gracious and sweet to everyone, this can be difficult. A lot of times, we have behaviors in certain situations that have been hard-wired into us from youth.

That often means we simply don’t want to confront or disappoint our elders, even if it’s uncomfortable for us.

However, learning how to say “no” will help you in every facet of your life, not just a few times a year you see intrusive, obnoxious relatives. If they ask about your dating life, comment on your work, or anything else that doesn’t vibe well, simply state “I don’t want to talk about that, thanks”. Don’t fumble with your words, try to explain around what they asked, or apologize. Simply stating “not into it” and going on with your eating or socializing should stop it right then and there, but if it doesn’t, stick to your guns and keep simply saying “no”.

Put some psychology in your pocket

As we’ve already discussed, some of the best strategies are the ones that prepare you mentally for dealing with your relatives and understanding that you’re in control of your reactions. Even the best-prepared holiday partygoer will still have to deal with icky topics in many situations, though, so it’s important to have some tips to deal with confrontation directly.

Diffusing tense conversations

Diffusing a bad conversation is an art form, and luckily it’s one that can be learned. There are many touchy subjects at holiday parties – religion, politics, who you’re dating/married to – and very few people actually want to talk about them. There are plenty of stories out there about how uncle and grandpa nearly came to blows over the current political landscape and nobody wants that. After all, old men fighting is both terrifying and sad.

If someone brings up a bad topic of conversation, you should look them in the eye, say something vague like “oh, I didn’t think about that”, or “no, I haven’t heard that” and then say “oh, that reminds me!” and change the subject. In this way, you’re acknowledging them, so they don’t feel slighted, but you can casually redirect the topic to something that’s not icky. 

Be the dinner table hero

When the conversation turns offensive, or especially if you see people picking on someone else (younger family members getting attacked or questioned about marriage, lifestyle, goals, etc), don’t hesitate to step in. Often, everyone else will want to walk on eggshells, particularly around prickly older adults, or they won’t be able to intervene without losing their cool. You can be the voice of reason that turns the topic away from stuff that nobody wants to talk about and back to how great your aunt’s macaroni and cheese tastes.

You can also be the person who starts the toasts, blessings, or acknowledgment of the host’s time and effort, and while you’re doing that, outline boundaries for the conversations:

“We thank the Lord and Julie for this amazing meal, and to honor them both, we will not talk politics, relationships, religion, or football teams. Amen”. You can tailor yours to your unique family of course.

Redirection is a powerful skill

Much like diffusing a potential argument or conversational landmine, redirection is a learnable skill, and it will make you feel like a mentalist when you pull it off. A good example is your father-in-law bringing up politics, getting frustrated, and raising his voice about the party he hates. Instead of confronting him, turn the focus back towards him and ask about something that he’s proud of, or that he’s accomplished recently. In practice, it might look like this:

FIL – grumble, grumble

You – “Hey, Roger told me that you caught a catfish that was the size of a dog!”

FIL – “Oh yeah, let me tell you about it”

It might not work perfectly every time, but most people love to talk about themselves, and if you can redirect from a difficult subject to themselves, well…it’s better to hear a fifteen-minute fishing story than to argue about the president.

 

Talk about a beloved family member who has passed or couldn’t come

This is a bit of a guilt trip technique but again, we’re using every tool available to us this holiday season. When things start to get heated, or frustrated, invoke the name of a beloved family member who is absent, either as a “Granny wouldn’t want to hear fighting” or a story to diffuse and redirect. Holiday guilt is the most powerful guilt, so leverage it to your advantage. 

Physically move about – and away, if necessary

A post-meal walk is a great way to expend calories and stave off the sleepiness that comes with a mountain of carbs. It’s also a great way to get away from uncomfortable conversations. Pick your favorite family members and take a walk in the brisk winter weather.

It’s also helpful that when you’re moving about, it’s a lot harder to have an argument. The inclination to argue will cause your group to want to stop and talk, but if you’re walking, that won’t happen. If someone stops to argue, just leave them behind, as nature designed; let them argue with a tree.

Let the holidays be fun again – or at least not awful

We are in the 2020s and your mental health is sacred. How to deal with difficult family members is important. Don’t let them ruin it or mess up your holiday season. While you might expect some disruptive conversations from your family members, you can go into your next event prepared.

Remember to ground yourself before you leave. Talk to yourself or someone else about the most common Grinches at your gatherings, and understand that you will need to be on guard when around them. Meditate to ground yourself and focus on the good things to expect at the gathering beforehand.

Before you sit down to eat, direct the energy of the table to a positive tone and set boundaries for the peace of everyone. Intervene and redirect when you see other family members being harassed. Being the hero (so to speak) will make you feel more confident and able to stick to your boundaries.

Practice saying “no” confidently and, more importantly, leave it at “no”. Don’t get flustered and offer explanations or anything like that – let the “no” hang and move on.

Related Post: Feeling Empowered to Stay Positive in a Negative World

 

If you know that alcohol tends to fuel arguments in your family, avoid it for your own peace. You can’t control other people’s choices, but it’s a lot harder to get drawn into drunken arguments if you’re sipping sparkling apple juice all night instead of wine.

Don’t be afraid to invoke the name of a missed relative. They will love you for bringing peace in their name, and finally, if all else fails, go for a walk. It’s hard to argue while you’re briskly walking after a meal, and exercise releases serotonin, which should make everyone’s moods better.

Don’t dread this holiday season, even if you have problem relatives. You might not want to talk about hot-button political or religious issues, and you don’t have to. Using these strategies, protect your peace, change the subject, and walk away – you don’t owe anyone your mental energy or labor. 

Sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves at a holiday party is the gift of asking to hear about your uncle’s car project rather than what he thinks about women’s bodily autonomy.

Living marvelously is all about discovering a life that makes you happy and fulfilled. Learn how to deal with difficult family members during the holidays so they don’t set you back.