No matter your age, the idea of ‘why don’t people like me’ is a heavy burden to bear. As we get older, it should get easier to not care so much about what other people think, but let’s face it – easier said than done!
In fact, these thoughts can become even more intrusive when we’re in a transitional period of life.
For example, you might suddenly feel as though your group of friends no longer ask you to come around as much…
Or you might question why your adult child hasn’t called as often as they normally do…
Maybe a friend you have had for a long time suddenly starts giving you the cold shoulder…
And suddenly, you find yourself wondering:
Why Don’t People Like Me
There could be countless reasons why you might find yourself questioning this idea of being liked. So let’s dive into a few reasons why you might feel like someone doesn’t like you.
Your Commitment to Them Has Changed
Were you always the one to reach out first? Have you always been the one to drop everything to be there for a friend? But then, something changed in your own life that shifted your availability.
It’s entirely possible that as your own commitments have shifted, your being less available meant fewer connections made. As you strengthen your own personal boundaries and work to develop your self-worth, you may find yourself no longer as close to certain friends as you once were. But let’s face it – a friend unwilling to meet you halfway when you’ve always been the one putting in most of the effort isn’t a friend worth worrying about. They might reach out as soon as they realize you aren’t calling them!
Your Priorities Have Shifted
Along that same line of thought, your priorities may have changed recently as well, with commitments shifting.
For example, if you’ve found yourself suddenly having to care for aging parents and no longer able to meet your friends for Tuesday lunches, it’s not that they don’t like you! They recognize you’re busy and allow you to tend to the more important things in your life. Chances are good they’ve not forgotten about you and certainly don’t dislike you; they know you’ve got other things on your plate right now.
THEIR Priorities Have Shifted
Just as things may have recently surfaced in your own life that requires more attention, it’s quite possible they’ve got things going on you’re unaware of. Particularly as we age, we have our own lives to worry about and the lives of our children and aging parents. Family obligations almost always take a front seat to the various people and things that held our interest in the past.
As we enter our 50s and beyond, many people need to be an infirm parent’s primary caregiver. This alone completely shifts how we view the world, and we simply lose touch with people. People also might get divorced, remarried, or get sick themselves later in life; the reasons someone’s priorities shift are truly endless but usually more significant as we age.
You Trigger Something in Them
Have you ever heard the notion that what bothers you most about other people is often something that bothers you most about yourself?
For example, perhaps you’re chronically late. You stroll into brunch 15 minutes late and think nothing of it, but should someone else keep you waiting? Absolutely not okay!
Or maybe you have a tendency to want to control the conversation. You’re charismatic; you can’t help yourself! But if someone else starts to drive the discussion, you find yourself annoyed.
Well, the same goes for when you’re questioning, “why don’t people like me” – you may very well trigger something in them!
Beyond personality quirks, it could also be that you remind them of an ex or once said something flippant that dug deep, not even realizing what you said stung.
This is one of those times when you might be able to repair the situation, but if someone doesn’t like you for this reason and they’re not exactly a close friend, it might be best to walk away.
Or Maybe They’re Jealous
It’s entirely possible that someone might not like you, and it may be because they’re jealous! I know we’d like to think we left that sort of energy behind us years ago, but jealousy never dies. Perhaps one day, you were bragging about your child having just graduated from college while this person struggled to help their adult child get on their feet. Or maybe it’s more material than that. As silly as it seems, they might not like you because they’re jealous of what you have that they don’t! This is again one of those situations where if someone can’t be happy for you and instead chooses jealousy, it’s best to walk away.
Your Energies Don’t Match
Another reason someone might not like you is that your energies don’t align. Are you a super happy-go-lucky person? Chances are good someone who is often more dower isn’t going to necessarily enjoy being around your high energy. Conversely, if you tend more towards deadpan humor and are an introvert, then a boisterous, extroverted person might seem like they don’t like you because they choose to be around those more like them.
Particularly as we get older, we settle into who we truly are. The facade we put up in our younger years falls away as we don’t have the time or energy to keep it up anymore. This can lead to a demonstrable difference in energy between you and people for whom you may have been trying to behave a certain way. This is a two-way street as well, and it’s possible they don’t have the energy anymore to pretend they’re someone they’re not to keep a friendship going.
How Not to Care When People Don’t Like You
In case you haven’t yet picked up on it, there’s a steady thread throughout this post – someone might not like you for any number of reasons, but guess what? It’s not personal! And it’s certainly not worth your energy. Worrying is a waste of time!
So how do you reclaim your self-worth and let go of this idea of “why don’t people like me”?
Take some time for self-reflection
It can be a huge ego hit when we feel like nobody likes us or we have a falling out with someone we’ve known for a long time. It can make us feel like we’re not good enough or that we don’t bring anything to a friendship, but that’s not true. As we’ve demonstrated above, there are many reasons people don’t mesh, and it’s usually not even something you can control.
Sitting down with a journal and reflecting on your good qualities can be therapeutic and help you regain both perspective and self-confidence. Often, when we don’t respect ourselves or our accomplishments and positive traits, nobody else will. It’s not often we sit down with ourselves and consider how much we take care of, who depends on us, and what we’ve accomplished.
A personal inventory and reflection can help take the sting of someone falling away from us and realize it’s not our fault. Even if someone doesn’t like an aspect of who you are, it doesn’t make that trait (or you) “bad”; you just don’t gel with them. It also helps you realize that you’re not a failure, which can be a conclusion people turn to when they feel rejected.
Be honest with yourself
If you do find that you feel rejected because of traits you have, ask yourself if they’re good traits. Everyone has unique idiosyncrasies that make you who you are, but sometimes traits can be annoying or rude, and you might not realize it. There’s a difference between singing in the car and being the kind of person who is extremely rude to wait staff at restaurants. One is a fun quirk, and the other is a really unpleasant trait that can – luckily – be assessed and fixed.
Sometimes people put up with our bad traits because we don’t notice them, and they think, “well, I like her otherwise,” but then they get to a tipping point, and it boils over. Identifying where you aren’t kind or maybe overly annoying can help you be a better person, which is beneficial.
Focus on the relationships that work
Some people are ride-or-die for a very few, extremely close number of friends, and that is honestly better than being halfway friends with a lot of people. I would rather have a close-knit group of a few people that I can count on (and who can count on me) than be friends with dozens of people superficially.
You will find that many superficial friendships go away with age, but our meaningful friendships become even stronger. This is good and desirable in the long run, but it can initially feel bad as our friend group closes. Recognize this for what it is – growth – and it will make losing those superficial friends way easier.
Put yourself out there
If you find yourself with few friends, you must understand that making new friends later in life can be much more difficult. People have often established groups or become okay with being alone. Breaking into a new friend group or making a new close relationship can be daunting and outside of our comfort zone.
If you want those new relationships, however, you have to push through and put yourself in new situations. Join a club or two, take lessons (dancing, art, and cooking are all great places to meet people), and get involved in your community. Finding like-minded people is the first step towards making friends with them.
Friendships ebb and flow
It’s very easy to be friends in school, as we’re forced to be around the same kids every day for years. It becomes much harder to keep and make friends when we’re in our fifties and beyond when people have settled lives and routines.
As we become who we truly are, the energy needed to put on a pattern of behavior to keep certain friends becomes exhausting, and that alone can end relationships. People naturally grow apart, priorities change, and sometimes certain character traits are too much for other people. These are all facts and are also completely normal – everyone feels unlikable or rejected at some point.
To not feel bad about it and to not care, it’s important you understand what makes you great. Take an inventory of both your good and bad traits, prune the bad ones, emphasize the good ones, and reflect on how accomplished you truly are. Put yourself in new social situations to make new friends, and embrace the close friends you still have.
It can be hard not to weigh our self-worth on other people’s opinions, but once you’re able to push past that, it’s quite liberating and will make you value your true friendships much more.