I have taken a few personality tests, Strengths Finder, Fear Archetype, Enneagram, and one of the constant traits that come up for me is that I am a people pleaser. That doesn’t mean everything I do pleases people, but it does mean that I want people to be pleased when I do things. I want to stop being a people pleaser.
According to an article in Psychology Today, a people pleaser can be defined as, “They never say “no.” You can always count on them for a favor. In fact, they spend a great deal of time doing things for other people. They get their work done, help others with their work, make all the plans, and are always there for family members and friends. So far, this sounds like a good thing. Unfortunately, it can be an extremely unhealthy pattern of behavior.”
Do you know how hard it is to be a people pleaser? Can you relate?
Maybe you have lost weight, and no one notices, so you get mad and quit your diet. Or maybe you work really hard on a project at work but didn’t leave yourself enough time to work out. Maybe you wrote a book or cleaned your house or got a haircut or cooked a great meal and thought everyone would love it, but no one noticed. Maybe you just read a new book, and your mind was flooded with new ideas, but then someone else tells you they think it is dumb, so you scrap all of that.
How about this. I was on vacation with my family, and we were sitting around having a nightcap at our hotel. It had been a fun day together, and we were all in a good mood. Soon the conversation turned to politics, and there are very different opinions between them. Being the people pleaser, I could not pick a side or give my opinion for fear of creating an argument. The rest of my family had no problem with this and had great back and forth banter. I went to bed. The next day, I found out that I missed out on some good laughs and memories. I was a little embarrassed.
We need to stop being a people pleaser.
“One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly okay.” ~Unknown
What if you could do things because it’s good for you or because it brings you joy? Who cares about what anyone else thinks?
It is a hard habit to break, but let’s learn some new habits.
11 Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Set Your Priorities
This is so important in every aspect of your life. Know your goals and priorities! Don’t let others make theirs more important.
Don’t Try to Accomplish Something to Make Someone Else Happy
Know your goals and dreams, and make sure you are accomplishing them for yourself. Don’t be a pawn in someone else’s desire for satisfaction; satisfy your own desires. Do not give away your power.
Have an Opinion
You don’t have to agree with other opinions just because you are uncomfortable with disagreeing. You can hear them out, and if it feels right, offer your own opinion, but don’t just agree. When someone asks you what you want to do, have an opinion! Say what you want to do or eat or go to. Give your opinion.
Quit Apologizing
Don’t say you are sorry for being yourself. Have confidence in who you are.
Say No
If something truly doesn’t fit in your schedule or within your priorities, say no. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this for myself or to make someone else happy?” Tilt the balance more towards yourself.
It’s OK if Someone Doesn’t Agree With You
We can’t all have the same beliefs, values, or opinions. Stand in your own truth and let others stand in theirs.
Learn to Praise Yourself
Do things because they bring you joy, not because you are looking for praise from others. Reward yourself and know you are living your own best life. We need to gain confidence in the ability to be ourselves.
Stop Avoiding Conflict
See the above example of my family in the hotel. Next time, I will listen and appreciate that they stand in their own truth and know that differing opinions can be healthy. (I may still cover my ears, I hate politics!)
Love Yourself
Treat yourself the same way you are trying to treat others. Work on your self-worth and confidence.
Read: Love Yourself First
Let go of Expectations
You may think that to do things right; you have to follow these steps, but what if you don’t? What if your way is just as good and makes you happier? Learn to be comfortable outside your box. Just because one person does it that way isn’t the only way. Forge your own path! If it doesn’t feel good to you, it won’t work anyway.
Read: Enjoy Freedom from Other People’s Expectations
Let Go of Self Imposed Expectations
Do you sometimes stay at home because someone might need you? Or do you not relax because you think you have to be busy at all times? Sometimes we don’t do things because some imaginary person or group says it’s not right. Be sure to think that through before you say no to yourself.
Take pleasing others out of the equation and do your thing for yourself!
What would you do differently if you didn’t have to please others?
My book, The 5 L’s of Living Marvelously, will help you let go of the people-pleasing that is holding you back!